Party Central Joke Archive
Warning most jokes are not
suitable for minors and some are not suitable for adults.
But here at Party Central we don't discriminate, we'll offend anyone so long as
someone thinks it funny.
And just remember if it is bad don't blame me, you wanted me to post a joke more
frequently.
*****
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This
is the dumbest kid
*****
A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.
*****
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the
door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you
have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
*****
The History of the Middle Finger *****
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he
went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
*****
Tact: The ability to tell someone to "Go to Hell" in such a way that he looks
forward to the trip.
*****
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a
virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very
nervous.
*****
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't
want to try these techniques at home."
*****
Dad Training the young shark...
*****
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...
*****
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
*****
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, areall excited about
their decision to get married. They go
*****
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise,
*****
Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that
he was able to retire at a young age.
*****
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, Became
confused as to where he was on the course.
*****
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
*****
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.ned to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.
*****
A teacher in a
Chicago kindergarten
class asked the kids
what kind of sound a
pig makes.ed the kids
what kind of sound a
pig makes.
*****
What Is Butt Dust??
*****
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having
coffee.
*****
A professor at the University of Kentucky was
giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he
asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
*****
There were two
golfers on the golf
course. One of the
men pulled out a
cigarette, and asked
his friend for a
light. His friend
pulls out a 12 inch
Bic lighter.
***** Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30
years, reunited at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to
use the rest room.
***** FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS
WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
*****
Next time you think your hotel bill is too
high you might want to consider this...
***** There are three kinds of men: The ones who learn by reading and the few
who learn by observation.
***** The things kids say !!
***** Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near
Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
***** Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan,
where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
***** An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
***** A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
***** A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
***** In 1923, Who Was:
***** The Poopie List
*****
Defense Attorney:
*****
Wanxiety - wank-zy-ety (n) A social condition cause by excessive
masturbation or the lack of sexual contact. Wanxiety is commonly found in
religious fundamentalists and obsessive gamers.
*****
9 months later!!!
*****
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter
Bunny hopping across the
*****
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In
short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last
ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic
school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious
look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out
all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was
amazed. She called him down to dinner.. To her shock, the minute he was
done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was
back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on For some time, day
after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the
difference.
*****
A Lesson on Socialism
*****
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.....
*****
An
Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so
advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and
have him looking for work in six weeks!"
***** On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.
***** Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from
Minnesota.
***** For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
***** Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics
professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain
it to me?"
***** Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
surely I can't look that old.
***** An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
***** Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
***** Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
***** Just wanted to send you this Warning and to be on the Lookout !
***** When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure. ***** I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word
'service'. *****
The Mafia was looking for a new man to
make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were
'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a
deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing. ***** True(?)-Weird News stories ***** "Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
***** Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to
the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a
hole, the other girl filling it in again.
***** One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man
of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
***** A good way to start the day
***** I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to
buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female
assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She
handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
***** When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.
***** A church down in Texas had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were
so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ and
distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were
appalled.
***** Years ago, there was an old
tale in the Marine Corps
about a Lieutenant who
inspected his men and told
the 'gunny' that they
smelled bad. The Lieutenant
suggested that they change
their underwear.
*****
A PERFECT DAY
*****
A Priest was about to finish
his tour of duty, and was
leaving his mission in the
jungle where he has spent 20
years teaching the natives
when he realizes that the
one thing he never taught
them was how to speak
English.
*****
A tourist in Vienna is going
through a graveyard and all
of a sudden he hears some
music. No one is around, so
he starts searching for the
source.
***** Three old men are sitting on
the porch of a retirement
home. The first says, "Fellas,
I got real problems. I'm
seventy years old. Every
morning at seven o'clock I
get up and I try to urinate.
All day long I try to
urinate. They give me all
kinds of medicine but
nothing helps."
*****
The Dean of Women at an
exclusive girls' school was
lecturing her students on
sexual morality.
*****
I know I haven't known you
very long and I shouldn't be
asking you for this so soon,
but I really need it badly.
*****
An old man is just back from
Thailand with his new Thai
bride.
*****
A man walks into a doctor's
office. He has a cucumber up
his nose, a carrot in his
left ear and a banana in his
right ear. "What's the
matter with me?" he asks the
doctor. The doctor replies,
"You're not eating
properly."
*****
The wisdom of Larry the
cable guy......
*****
A woman gets a tattoo of a
sea shell on the inside of
her upper thigh.
*****
A man joins a very exclusive
nudist colony. On his first
day there he takes off his
clothes and starts to wander
around.
*****
Billy Bob and Lester were
talking one afternoon when
Billy Bob told Lester, "You
know, I reckon I'm about
ready for a vacation. Only
this year I'm gonna do it a
little different.
*****
What's the difference
between a wife, a
nymphomaniac, and a hooker?
*****
Kid's Stories
*****
One day a farmer's donkey
fell down into a well. The
animal cried piteously for
hours as the farmer tried to
figure out what to do.
*****
A little boy comes down to
breakfast. Since they live
on a farm, his mother asks
if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little
boy. His mother tells him he
can't have any breakfast
until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed,
so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the
cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and
he kicks a pig.
*****
When things in your life
seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember
the mayonnaise jar and the 2
Beers.
*****
A Department
of Water Resources
representative stops at a
Texas ranch and talks with
an old rancher.
***** 25 REASONS I
OWE MY MOTHER 1. My
mother taught me: TO
APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE 2. My mother taught
me: RELIGION 3. My mother taught
me: TIME TRAVEL 4. My mother taught
me: LOGIC 5. My mother taught
me: MORE LOGIC 6. My mother taught
me: FORESIGHT 7. My mother taught
me: IRONY 8. My mother taught
me about the science of
OSMOSIS 9. My mother taught
me: CONTORTIONISM 10. My mother
taught me about STAMINA 11. My mother
taught me: WEATHER 12. My mother
taught me: HYPOCRISY 13. My mother
taught me: THE CIRCLE OF
LIFE 14. My mother
taught me about BEHAVIOR
MODIFICATION 15. My mother
taught me: ENVY 16. My mother
taught me about ANTICIPATION 17. My mother
taught me: RECEIVING 18. My mother
taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE 19. My mother
taught me: ESP 20. My mother
taught me: HUMOR 21. My mother
taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT 22. My Mother
taught me: GENETICS 23. My Mother
taught me about my ROOTS 24. My Mother
taught me: WISDOM 25. And my
favorite: My mother taught
me about JUSTICE
*****
If you are having a bad day,
remember, you could be a
conjoined twin stuck to a
gay brother who has a date
tonight and you have the
only ass.
*****
A man boarded a plane with 6
kids. After they got settled
in their seats a woman
sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him
and asked, "Are all of those
kids yours?"
*****
The mother of a 17-year-old
girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might
become pregnant and damage
the status of the family,
she consulted the family
doctor.
*****
After retiring, I went to
the Social Security office
to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind
the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify
my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back
later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
*****
Mildred, the church gossip,
and self-appointed monitor
of the church's morals, kept
sticking her nose in to
other people's business.
Several members did not
approve of her
extra-curricular activities,
but feared her enough to
maintain their silence. She
made a mistake, however,
when she accused George, a
new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his
old pickup parked in front
of the towns only bar one
afternoon. She emphatically
told George (and several
others) that everyone seeing
it there would know what he
was doing. George, a man of
few words, stared at her for
a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny ...
He said nothing.
*****
A blonde, a brunette, and a
redhead were lost in the
desert. They were driving
around in a Jeep when it
broke down, because they had
nothing else they decided to
each take a piece of the
Jeep as they continued their
journey. The brunette took
the radiator, the redhead
took the seat, and the
blonde took the door.
*****
A blonde was having a
problem with her laser
printer, so she called the
company's technical support.
*****
A farmer got in his pickup
and drove to a neighboring
farm and knocked at the
door. A young boy about 9
years old opened the door.
*****
An older gentleman had an
appointment to see the
urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors.
*****
A man met a beautiful blonde
lady and decided he wanted
to marry her right away.
*****
While
shopping in a food store,
two nuns happened to pass by
the beer, wine, and liquor
section. One asked the other
if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered
that, indeed, it would be
very nice to have one, but
that she would feel
uncomfortable about
purchasing it.
***** SCHOOL --
1957 vs. 2007 Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a
fistfight after school. Scenario: Johnny won't be
still in class, disrupts
other students. Scenario: Billy breaks a
window in his neighbor's car
and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt. Scenario: Mark gets a
headache and takes some
aspirin to school. Scenario: Pedro fails
high school English. Scenario: Johnny takes
apart leftover firecrackers
from 4th of July, puts them
in a model airplane paint
bottle, blows up a red ant
bed. Scenario: Johnny falls
while running during recess
and scrapes his knee. He is
found crying by his teacher,
Mary. Mary hugs him to
comfort him.
*****
Ethel was a bit of a
demon in her wheelchair, and
loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners
on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long
corridors.
*****
True Floridians Know...
*****
A man passed out on the
beach in Miami for four
hours, and got a horrible
sunburn, specifically to the
front of his legs above his
knees.
*****
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF
WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY
GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD
THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU
CHOP
*****
A farmer went to
the local bank to borrow
money for a new bull. The
loan was made and Banker
Bill, who lent the money,
came by a week later to see
how the bull was doing.
*****
The testicles of
a Texas midget hurt and
ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the
doctor and told him about
his problem.
*****
An 85-year-old
man went to his doctor's
office for his annual
physical. After the
physical, the Doctor asked
him to get some sperm for
testing.. The doctor gave
the man a jar and said,
"Take this home and bring
back some semen tomorrow."
***** "I have a great diet.
You're allowed to eat
anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat
people." - Ed Bluestone
***** Redneck Rules
*****
The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.
*****
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had
been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,'
she contacted her Pastor to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
*****
A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and,
after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
*****
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was
scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was
lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why
don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you
very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says
"Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The
little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you
won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down,
cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll
hold the chickens
*****
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
*****
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
*****
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother
answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind
made.'
*****
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If
a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
*****
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
*****
When a woman wears a leather dress
***** You may find this helpful around the house/garage....
***** A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
*****
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are
wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way
along the aisle with a cane.
*****
*****
Things to say at work
when you're stressed:
*****
Two elderly ladies had
been friends for many
decades. Over the years,
they had shared all
kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately,
their activities had
been limited to meeting
a few times a week to
play cards. One day,
they were playing cards
when one looked at the
other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me .. I
know we've been friends
for a long time, but I
just can't think of your
name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell
me what your name is."
*****
An Englishman and a
Scotsman were sitting
around talking one
afternoon over a cold
beer.
*****
A blind man is walking
down the street with his
seeing-eye dog one day.
They come to a busy
intersection, and the
dog, ignoring the high
volume of traffic
zooming by on the
street, leads the blind
man right out into the
thick of traffic. This
is followed by the
screech of tires and
horns blaring as
panicked drivers try
desperately not to run
the pair down.
*****
Political Correctness is
a doctrine, fostered by
a delusional, illogical,
liberal minority and
rabidly promoted by an
unscrupulous mainstream
media, which holds forth
the proposition that it
is entirely possible to
pick up a turd by the
clean end.
*****
A blonde, wanting to
earn some extra money
decided to hire
herself out as a
"Handywoman" and started
canvassing the
neighborhoods.
*****
Little Tony was
staying with his grandmother
for a few days.
***** A man was
feeling very depressed and
walked into a bar and
ordered a triple scotch. As
the bartender poured him the
drink he remarked, "That's
quite a heavy drink. What's
wrong?"
*****
A cowboy rode
into town and stopped at a
saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals
had a habit of picking on
strangers. So when he
finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into
the air, caught it above his
head and fired a shot into
the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF
YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY
HOSS?'' he yelled.
*****
A man appeared
before St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates.
***** What's the
difference between lawyers
and weathermen? Weathermen
actually think they are
telling the truth.
*****
I just read an
article on the dangers of
drinking....
*****
A Marine
Sargent and a Navy Chief are
at the barbers getting their
hair cut and a shave.
in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the
ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of
the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the
game's over!"
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they Don't sell rectum
deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been Buying the stuff
from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist..
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it
and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container.........
" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he
asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door
again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and
concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The
husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind
the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her
husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and
asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies:
Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start
using yours?
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I
feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that
they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something
about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over
the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act
of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,
saying, See, we can still pluck yew!
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the
words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow
that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'it's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts;
they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is
firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish
anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming. That was me.'
Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his
hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama,
Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and
he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his
left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She
made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try
carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes
to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
- We see the man, go away, lift your flap we go slowly towards him, do 2 spins
counterclockwise, moving away, and then back for another 2 clockwise go back and
then we attack...
Did you understand?
- Uh, yes, lift flap, and shift left and right and eat!
- No, no .. careful steps are important! We must go away, lift flap, go slowly
towards him, making two revolutions counterclockwise,go back, and then another
two clockwise turns round him back and then attack to eat..Understand now?
- Mmm, yes, I see, pick fin, 2 turns around and eat!
- NO! , NO!, Try again ..
- I see .., I approach slowly .. do .. 2 turns to right ...and then 2turns
left...ouf i cant remember all that dad...is too complicated for me...
ok what more to say to u?....eat him with his shit and pee!!!!!!
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
Better pick up some extra.
Plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 Milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,
but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on
the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll
Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well
...blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the
four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is
C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing
a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend
had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, which would seem to be
the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could
Not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends,
including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"
Wait for it,,,,
"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."
for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's
disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric
content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and
proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............................12 Calories
Without her consent..................2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand..........................12 Calories
With your teeth.......................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories
69 standing up.........................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real.............................112 Calories
Fake.................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..........................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately......................................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years.........................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................80 Calories
40-49 years.......................124 Calories
50-59 years....................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................7,916 Calories
70 and over............................... A Miracle
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.............................................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.
After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for
supplies, he hears a knock on his door.
He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.
"May I help you," Dan asks.
"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man
says.
"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein'
that you're new and all here."
Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."
Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."
"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the
best of them," Dan replies.
"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.
Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."
Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."
"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.
So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan
says "What should I wear?"
Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew What hole
he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the
same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
1 3th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
"What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied." I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their
habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room,
strip off their habits, and paint naked...
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy
man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...
Little Tyrone stood
up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"
I guess there aren't
many farms in
Chicago.
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in
it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while
he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?'
MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she
didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must
look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you
die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the
lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this
juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'
DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a w hile and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget
This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom,
what is butt dust?'
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into
a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24"
stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My
God."
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of
those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a
ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up
to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
- "Woah, where did
you get such a large
Bic?"
- "Oh, my genie got
it for me."
- "Your genie? You
have a genie? Where
is he?"
- "He is in my golf
bag."
- "Can I see him?"
So the friend looks
in the bag and out
comes the genie. The
man says to the
genie; "I am your
master's best
friend. Would you
grant me just one
wish?"
The genie says "yes,
just one wish". So
the man wishes for a
million bucks. The
genie goes back in
the golf bag without
saying a word.
Pretty soon, the sky
starts to get dark.
Then it gets even
darker. The man
looks up and sees a
million ducks. He
gets real upset, and
says "what is the
matter with your
genie? Is he hard of
hearing? I said a
million Bucks, not a
million Ducks."
"Do you really think
I asked for a 12
inch Bic?"
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and
he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE
SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE
PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS
IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes
on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the
hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with
my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
themselves.
---Will Rogers
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing
the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she
extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never
believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting
my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE (I love this one)
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds,
leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big
cliffs near Brainerd Lake
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks
like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off
the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says:
"By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks
every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he
pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself
off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks
his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping,
den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to
retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently passed gas.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and it
reverberated down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained
his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding
applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town
again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He
reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of
darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one
thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even
remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't piss on my slippers
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of
Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman. "As we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I'd be so kind as to step into
his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like
to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of
water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately
became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5.. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work..
Play golf.
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the
little bastard.
Symptoms of Wanxiety are Irritability, a one-upmanship desire, chaffing of
the hands and genitals. If you find yourself aroused by comic book
characters or traditional anime you may suffer from wanxiety. Sufferers of
wanxiety should seek out immediate sexual assistance i.e. girlfriend,
boyfriend, one-night stand or (in the most extreme case) a paid sex worker.
Wanxienty effects 1 in 10 people ages 14 - 35, in most cases the victims are
male, but there have been women know to suffer this condition as well.
Wanxiety is a treatable disorder, even in the most extreme cases. ask your
local pimp or escort service for more info.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you
smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went
flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny
carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The
driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was
wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and
killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went
to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry
animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the
spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down
the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and
hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,
waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in
your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books.. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,
'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook
his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and
said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the
plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
An economics professor said he had never failed a single student before but
had, once, failed an entire class. The class had insisted that socialism
worked - and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great
equalizer for all, for society. The professor then said ok, we will have an
experiment in this class on socialism.
He said that all grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the
same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the
first test the grades were averaged and everyone was given a B. The students
who studied hard were upset, and the students who studied little were happy.
But, as the second test rolled around, the students who hadn't studied much
for the first test had studied even less, and the ones who studied hard
weren't motivated to study hard again, and they decided they wanted a free
ride too; so they studied little. The second Test average was a D! No one
was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in
hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. All failed .... and
the professor told them that the socialism they wanted would ultimately
fail, as they had, because the reward of success normally goes to those that
work harder, but when government takes the reward away; few will try so no
one will succeed.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting
him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that
you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Well I guess
that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you
where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so
advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and
have him looking for work on 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can
remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both
looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the
conference, "Well", he said, "my country is so far advanced in medicine, we
can take an asshole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have
half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever
heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota
contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some
figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came
home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs,
two without - Send extra sauce .
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office,
but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend
project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student
agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The
professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a
bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go
over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with
as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then
dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally
confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and
began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow
end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured
that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the
student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, "All we're doing is
wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when
this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was
before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what
could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
Well . . . You'll love this one.
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high
school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class! I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
'What did you teach???
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's
no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk
by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are
you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two
left."
Seniors - don't mess with them!
There's absolutely no cause for Alarm.
This is just to prepare you for the Event.
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of
this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "
DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two
farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to'service' a few
cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets
greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia
soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods
after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf
collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The
interpreter signs," Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood," He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still
doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls
to pull the trigger."
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off
each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the
job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a
chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus
and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be
copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.
11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river
near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and
swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers
of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a
low-level bridge -- killing him.
13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his
toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down,
hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a
snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their
heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were
hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall.
After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for
files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in
1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and
after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It
went off and killed his wife.
17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her
coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly
sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back
down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so
he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to
death.
19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out
the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found
himself in the city prison.
20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the
busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its
roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another
car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of
gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed
through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even
more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of
two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg,
and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While
he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer
tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up
behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the
train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the
arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse
in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and
began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this
sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports
car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the
fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he
did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report,
the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in
Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of
the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging
by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to
make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw
him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding
what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr.
Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she
dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express
was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left
some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the
muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and
knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if
she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few
moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal
mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the
man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the
woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and
departed.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effor t you
two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a
hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who
plants the trees called in sick.'
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road
the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks" What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband a bit flustered answers" Why can't you see? Them cows they're
roping!"
She replies' I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks" What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again" Them horses they're roping!"
She replies' I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's
bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's
penis.
"Oh my!" she cries" What is that?"
"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps' my goodness! What are those?"
she asks.
"Honey there're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride
says" Stop honey wait a minute!"
Her husband panting a little asks" What's the matter honey am I hurting
you?"
"No" the bride replies" undo them damn knots I need more rope!"
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic
last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing
home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few
precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who
can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student,
balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his
student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same
spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions
that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the
store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment,
knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will
be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the
greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we
hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to
us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show
patience, empathy and love.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she
unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes
but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking
my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she
asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and
smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her
panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have
much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that
unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a
minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.
I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other
line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to
report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and
in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only
one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the
head of your household!
'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man,
'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get
another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe
they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green
persimmons because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".
The Gunny responded, "Aye,
aye, sir, I'll see to it
immediately!"
He went into the tent and
said, "The lieutenant thinks
you guys smell bad, and
wants you to change your
underwear. Smith, you change
with Jones. McCarthy, you
change with Dzwill. Brown,
you change with Schultz. Get
to it."
The moral: A candidate may
promise 'change' in
Washington, but don't count
on things smelling any
better.
For a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and
kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter
than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed;
freshly squeezed orange
juice and croissants....open
presents--expensive jewelry
chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with
frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club
with sexy, funny personal
trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure,
makeup application, shampoo,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend
at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of
partner's ex and notice that
she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends;
unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses
delivered by florist; card
is from "secret admirer"
4:15 Massage from strong but
gentle hunk; says he rarely
gets to work on such a
perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from
expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for
two followed by dancing,
with compliments received
from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower---alone
10:50 Carried to bed;
freshly ironed, crisp, white
linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light
touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his
big, strong arms
For a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying
shit while reading the
sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and
eggs, coffee, toast. All
cooked by naked, buxom wench
who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route
to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear
jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort
Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2
under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and
lobster, 3 beers and a
bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4
under par
2:15 Limo back to airport;
several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing
expedition with nude,
all-female crew who all bend
over a lot
4:30 Land world record
Marlin (1234 lbs) on light
tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and
hand job by naked Elle
MacPherson
6:45 Shit, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael
Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster
appetizers, Dom Perignon
(1953), big juicy steak
followed by ice cream served
on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women,
all of whom have lesbian
tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
with tasty pizza snacks and
a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which
changes note 4 times and
forces the dog to leave the
room
11:51 Laugh yourself to
sleep
So he takes the chief for a
walk in the forest. He
points to a tree and says to
the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree
and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with
the response. They walk a
little further and he points
to a rock and says, 'This is
a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief
looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really
getting enthusiastic about
the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As
they peek over the top, he
sees a couple of natives in
the midst of heavy sexual
activity.
The Priest is really
flustered and quickly
responds, 'Man riding a
bike.'
The chief looks at the
couple briefly, pulls out
his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic
and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching
the tribe how to be
civilized and be kind to
each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold
blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My
bike.'
He finally locates the
origin and finds it is
coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig
van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the
music is the Ninth Symphony
and it is being played
backward! Puzzled, he leaves
the graveyard and persuades
a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back
at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like
the previous piece, it is
being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to
consult a music scholar.
When they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony
is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played
in the reverse order in
which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then
the 5th.
By the next day the word has
spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to
the Second Symphony being
played backward.
Just then the graveyard's
caretaker ambles up to the
group. Someone in the crowd
asks him if he has an
explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry
about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
The second old man says,
"You think you have
problems. I'm eighty years
old. Every morning at 8:00 I
get up and try to move my
bowels. I try all day long.
They give me all kinds of
stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man
speaks up, "Fellas: I'm
ninety years old. Every
morning at 7:00 sharp I
urinate. Every morning at
8:00 I move my bowels. Every
morning at 9:00 sharp I wake
up."
"We live today in very
difficult times for young
people. In moments of
temptation," she said, "ask
yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth
a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the
back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you
make it last an hour?"
I haven't had it for a while
and I can already feel it
going in good and hard and
coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me
no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my
needs and I'd be very
grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I
need your help.
You must think by now that I
have a lot of nerve but I
can feel my tongue wrapping
around it and sucking out
all the juices until it's
very dry.
I am not going to beat
around the bush any longer
so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
Lying in bed, his new bride
is playing with his manhood
slowly stroking it up and
down. The old man says
'You must love that, you
haven't left it alone since
we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully
and replied 'Not really ....
I just really miss mine.'
1. A day without sunshine is
like night.
2. On the other hand, you
have different fingers.
3 42.7 percent of all
statistics are made up on
the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people
you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last,
thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely
anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get
the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the
trap
9. Support bacteria. They're
the only culture some people
have.
10. A clear conscience is
usually the sign of a bad
memory.
11. Change is inevitable,
except from vending
machines.
12. If you think nobody
cares, try missing a couple
of payments.
13. How many of you believe
in psycho-kinesis? Raise my
hand.
14 OK, so what's the speed
of dark?
15. When everything is
coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in
the future. Laziness pays
off now.
17. How much deeper would
the ocean be without
sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get
scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to
ask you your name?
21. Inside every older
person is a younger person
wondering, 'What the hell
happened?'
22. Light travels faster
than sound. That's why some
people appear bright until
you hear them speak
She shows it to a friend.
He says, that it's nice, but
why did she put it there?
She says because if he puts
his ear to it he can smell
the ocean!
A gorgeous petite blonde
walks by, and the man
immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices
his erection, comes over to
him and says, "Did you call
for me?" The man replies,
"No, what do you mean?" She
says, "You must be new here.
Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an
erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling, she
leads him to the side of the
swimming pool, lies down on
a towel, eagerly pulls him
to her and happily lets him
have his way with her.
The man continues to explore
the colony's facilities. He
enters the sauna and as he
sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy
man lumbers out of the steam
room toward him, "Did you
call for me?" says the hairy
man.
"No, what do you mean?" says
the newcomer. "You must be
new," says the hairy man,
"it's a rule that if you
fart, it
implies that you called for
me." The huge man easily
spins him around, bends him
over a bench and has his way
with him.
The newcomer staggers back
to the colony office, where
he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my
membership card. You can
have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership
fee."
"But, Sir," she replies,
"you've only been here for a
few hours. You haven't had
the chance to see all our
facilities." The man
replies, "Listen lady, I'm
68 years old. I only get an
erection once a month. I
fart 15 times a day."
The last few years, I took
your suggestions as to where
to go.
Three years ago you said to
go to Hawaii. I went to
Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told
me to go to the Bahamas, and
Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested
Tahiti and darned if Marie
didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So,
what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year,
I'm taking Marie with me."
The nympho says, "You're
done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you
done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I
think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
While I sat in the reception
area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly
man in a wheelchair into the
room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man
sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I
should make small talk with
him, a little boy slipped
off his mother's lap and
walked over to the
wheelchair. Placing his hand
on the man's, he said, 'I
know how you feel. My mom
makes me ride in the
stroller too.'.
As I was nursing my baby, my
cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Kristy, came into
the room. Never having seen
anyone breast feed before,
she was intrigued and full
of all kinds of questions
about what I was doing.
After mulling over my
answers, she remarked, 'My
mom has some of those, but I
don't think she knows how to
use them.'
Out bicycling one day with
my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I
got a little wistful. 'In
ten years,' I said, 'you'll
want to be with your friends
and you won't go walking,
biking, and swimming with me
like you do now.' Carolyn
shrugged. 'In ten years
you'll be too old to do all
those things anyway.'
Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult
assignment of giving
immunization shots to
children. One day I entered
the examining room to
give four-year-old Lizzie
her needle. 'No, no, no!'
she screamed. 'Lizzie,'
scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With
that, the girl yelled even
louder, 'No, thank you! No,
thank you!
My wife left the car
unattended for only a
minute, but it was long
enough for our two-year-old
to climb in, throw the car
into reverse and crash into
a lamppost. He was fine, but
the car wasn't, and I had a
hard time explaining who was
behind the wheel to the
insurance company. After a
pause, the adjuster asked,
'Do you let him drive
often?'
One afternoon while I was
visiting my library, I
noticed a group of
preschoolers gathered for
story time. The book they
were reading was There Was
an Old Lady Who Swallowed a
Fly. After the librarian
finished the first page, she
asked the children, 'Do you
think she'll die?' 'Nope,' a
little girl in the back
said. 'I saw this last night
on Fear Factor.'
My sister had been ill, so I
called to see how she was
doing. My ten-year-old niece
answered the phone 'Hello,'
she whispered. 'Hi, honey.
How's your mother?' I asked.
'She's sleeping,' she
answered, again in a
whisper. 'Did she go to the
doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She
got some medicine,' my niece
said softly. 'Well, don't
wake her up. Just tell her I
called. What are you doing,
by the way?' Again in a soft
whisper, she answered,
'Practicing my trumpet.'
On a brutally humid day, I
walked past a miniature golf
course and saw a dad
following three small
children from hole to hole.
'Who's winning?' I shouted.
'I am,' said one kid. 'Me,'
said another. 'No, me,'
yelled the third. Sweat
dripping down his face, the
dad gasped, 'Their mother
is.'
On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson
asked my son the question.
'Dad, I know that babies
come from mommies' tummies,
but how do they get there in
the first place?' he asked
innocently. After my son
hemmed and hawed awhile, my
grandson finally spoke up in
disgust. 'You don't have to
make something up, Dad. It's
OK if you don't know the
answer.'
Just before I was deployed
to Iraq, I sat my
eight-year-old son down and
broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long
time,' I told him. 'I'm
going to Iraq ' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know
there's a war going on over
there?'
Even though the toddler was
having a furious tantrum,
his mom was unfazed. 'You
may as well give up on the
crying,' I heard her say as
she led him to the store
exit. 'You're stuck with me
for 18 years.'
Paul Newman founded the Hole
in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with
cancer, AIDS and blood
diseases. One afternoon he
and his wife, Joanne
Woodward, stopped by to h
ave lunch with the kids. A
counselor at a nearby table,
suspecting the young
patients wouldn't know that
Newman was a famous movie
star, explained, 'That's the
man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen
his picture on his salad
dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've
probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An
eight-year-old girl perked
up. 'How long was he
missing?'
Like all growing boys, my
teenage grandson, Jerome,
was constantly hungry. I
went to my refrigerator to
find something he might like
to eat. After poking around
a bit and moving the milk
and juice cartons, I spotted
a bowl of leftover chili.
'Hey, Jerome,' I called out
excitedly. He came running
into the kitchen. 'Look! I
found some chili.'
Struggling to be polite, he
said, 'If you're that
surprised, I'm not really
sure I want it.'
My last name is a mouthful,
so when my three-year-old
niece learned to spell it, I
was thrilled, until my
cousin burst my bubble. 'You
can spell Sczygelski any way
you like,' he pointed out.
'Who's going to know if it's
wrong?'
For the first time, my
four-year-old daughter
Kelsey was coming to my
office to have me, a dental
hygienist, clean her teeth.
She was accompanied by her
grand-mother. When they came
in, I greeted them warmly,
seated Kelsey and, as usual,
put on my gloves, goggles
and mask. About ten minutes
into the procedure, she got
scared and cried, 'I want my
mommy!' I quickly pulled off
my mask and said, 'I am your
mommy.' Without hesitating,
my daughter yelled back,
'Then I want my granny!'
Finally, he decided the
animal was old, and the well
needed to be covered up
anyway; it just wasn't worth
it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors
to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel
and began to shovel dirt
into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was
happening and cried
horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later,
the farmer finally looked
down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt
that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something
amazing. He would shake it
off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors
continued to shovel dirt on
top of the animal, he would
shake it off and take a step
up. Pretty soon, everyone
was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted
off!
Life is going to shovel dirt
on you, all kinds of dirt.
The t rick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off
and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get
out of the deepest wells
just by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake it off and
take a step up.
Remember the five simple
rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred
- Forgive.
Free your mind from worries
- Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate
what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW ............
Enough of that crap . .. .
The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had
tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got
infected and the farmer
eventually died in agony
from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite
you.
He goes back in for
breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't
get any eggs and bacon? Why
don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks. "Well,"
his mother says, "I saw you
kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I
saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon, for a
week either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so, for a week
you aren't getting any
milk."
Just then, his father comes
down for breakfast and kicks
the cat as he's walking into
the kitchen. The little boy
looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should
I?"
A professor stood before his
philosophy class and had
some items in front of him.
When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it
with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the
jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up
a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar He shook
the jar lightly. The pebbles
rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He
then asked the students
again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up
a box of sand and poured it
into the jar. Of course, the
sand filled up everything
else. He asked once more if
the jar was full. The
students responded with an
unanimous 'yes.
The professor then produced
two Beers from under the
table and poured the entire
contents into the jar
effectively
filling the empty space
between the sand. The
students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor as
the laughter subsided, 'I
want you to recognize that
this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the
important things---your
family, your children, your
health, your friends and
your favorite passions---and
if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your
life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your
job, your house and your
car. The sand is everything
else---the small stuff. 'If
you put the sand into the
jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the
pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time
and energy on the small
stuff you will never have
room for the things that are
important to you.
'Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your
happiness. Spend time with
your children and
grandchildren. Spend time
with your parents. Visit
with grandparents. Take time
to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to
dinner.
Play another 18. There will
always be time to clean the
house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls
first---the things that
really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just
sand.'
One of the students raised
her hand and inquired what
the Beer represented. The
professor smiled and said,
'I'm
glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that
no matter how full your life
may seem, there's always
room for a couple of Beers
with a friend.
He tells the rancher, I need
to inspect your ranch for
your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay,
but don't go in that field
over there.
The Water representative
says, 'Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal
Government with me. See this
card? This card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I
WISH on any agricultural
land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself
clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods
politely and goes about his
chores.
Later, the old rancher hears
loud screams and spies the
Water Rep running for his
life and close behind is the
rancher's bull. The bull is
gaining with every step. The
Rep is clearly terrified, So
the old rancher immediately
throws down his tools, runs
to the fence and yells at
the top of his lungs.....
'Your card! Show him Your
card!'
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
"Because I said so, that's why."
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
"Close your mouth and eat your supper."
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
"Stop acting like your father!"
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like
you do."
"Just wait until we get home."
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
"I swear you're just like you father."
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
He replied, "No, I work for
a condom company and these
are customer complaints."
The doctor told her that
teenagers today were very
willful and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk
to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her
daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her
about the situation and
handed her a box of condoms
The girl burst out laughing
and reached over to hug her
mother saying, 'Oh Mom! You
don't have to worry! I'm
dating Susan!'
She said, 'That silver hair
on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security
application. When I got
home, I excitedly told my
wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have
dropped your pants. You
might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight
started.....
Later that evening, George
quietly parked his pickup in
front of Mildred's house ...
walked home ... and left it
there all night.
You got to love George!
After a while of walking the
redhead asked the brunette
"I'm confused, why did you
bring the radiator?"
The brunette responded, "If
I get thirsty, I can drink
the fluid."
Next the blonde asked the
redhead "Why did you bring
the seat?"
So the redhead said "If I
get tired, I am not going to
sit on the sand. I can sit
on this comfortable seat."
Finally the brunette asked
the blonde why she had
chosen the door.
The blonde quickly responded
to this question, "Well,
when I get hot all I have to
do is roll down the window."
The help desk technician
asked her if she was
"running it under Windows."
The blonde replied, "No, my
desk is next to the door.
But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the
cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his is working
fine."
'Is yer Dad home?' the
farmer asked. 'No sir, he
ain't,' the boy replied. 'He
went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is
yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here
neither. She went into town
with Dad.'
'How about your brother,
Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a
few minutes, shifting from
one foot to the other and
mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do
fer ya?' the boy asked
politely. 'I know where all
the tools are if you want to
borry one. Or maybe I could
take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer
uncomfortably, 'I really
wanted to talk to yer Dad.
It's about your Brother
Howard getting my daughter,
Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a
moment. 'You would have to
talk to Pa about that' he
finally conceded. 'If it
helps you any, I know that
Pa charges $500 for the bull
and $50 for the hog, but I
really don't know how much
he gets fer Howard.'
The waiting room was filled
with patients.
As he approached the
receptionist's desk, he
noticed that the
receptionist was a large
un-friendly woman who looked
like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the
receptionist said, 'YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU
WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the
waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the
very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in
an equally loud voice
replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO
INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS.'
She said, 'But we don't know
anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right,
we'll learn about each other
as we go along.'
So she consented, they were
married, and off they went
on a honeymoon at a very
nice resort.
One morning they were lying
by the pool, when he got up
off of his towel, climbed up
to the 10 meter board and
did a two and a half tuck,
followed by three rotations
in the pike position, at
which point he straightened
out and cut the water like a
knife.
After a few more
demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was
incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an
Olympic diving champion. You
see, I told you we'd learn
more about each other as we
went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the
pool and started doing
lengths.
After seventy -five lengths
she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel and
was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was
incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a
prostitute in Memphis but I
worked both sides of the
Mississippi.
The first nun replied that
she would handle that
without a problem. She
picked up a six-pack and
took it to the cashier. The
cashier had a very surprised
look, so the nun said, 'This
is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the
cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of
pretzel sticks in the bag
with the beer. 'The curlers
are on me.'
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark
wins. Johnny and Mark shake
hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT
team arrives, arrests Johnny
and Mark. Charge them with
assault, both expelled even
though Johnny started it.
1957 - Johnny sent to office
and given a good paddling by
the Principal. Returns to
class, sits still and does
not disrupt class again.
2007 - Johnny given huge
doses of Ritalin. Becomes a
zombie. Tested for ADD.
School gets extra money from
state because Johnny has a
disability.
1957 - Billy is more careful
next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes
a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is
arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care
and joins a gang. State
psychologist tells Billy's
sister that she remembers
being abused herself and
their dad goes to prison.
Billy's Mom has affair with
psychologist.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin
with Principal out on the
smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark
expelled from school for
drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and
weapons.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer
school, passes English, goes
to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is
taken up by state. Newspaper
articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching
English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU
files class action lawsuit
against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher.
English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given
diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living
because he cannot speak
English.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland
Security, FBI called. Johnny
charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates
parents, siblings removed
from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad
goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly
again.
1957 - In a short time,
Johnny feels better and goes
on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of
being a sexual predator and
loses her job. She faces 3
years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of
therapy.
Because the poor woman was
one sandwich short of a
picnic the other residents
tolerated her and some of
them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding
up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence
stepped out with his arm
outstretched. 'STOP!,' he
shouted in a firm voice.
'Have you got a license for
that thing?' Ethel fished
around in her handbag and
pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him. 'OK'
he said, and away Ethel sped
down the hall.
As she took the corner near
the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in
front of her and shouted
'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?' Ethel dug into
her handbag, pulled out a
drink coaster and held it up
to him. Harold nodded and
said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final
corridor, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her,
Butt-Naked, and holding his
'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled
Ethel, 'Not that Damn
Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
1.. Socks are only for
bowling.
2..You never use an umbrella
because you know the rain
will be over in five
minutes.
3..A good parking place has
nothing to do with distance
from the store, but
everything to do with shade.
4..Your winter coat is made
of denim.
5..You can tell the
difference between fire ant
bites and mosquito bites.
6..You're younger than
thirty but some of your
friends are over 65.
6..Anything under 70 is
chilly.
7.You've driven through
Yeehaw Junction.
8..You could swim before you
could read.
9..You have to drive north
to get to The South.
10..You know that no other
grocery store can compare to
Publix.
11..Every other house in
your neighborhood had blue
roofs in 2004-2005.
12..You've gotten out of
school early on Halloween to
trick or treat before it got
dark
13..You know that anything
under a Category 3 just
isn't worth waking up for.
14..You dread love bug
season.
15..You are on a first name
basis with the Hurricane
list.
They aren't
Hurricane Charley, Hurricane
Frances...but Charley ,
Frances ,
Ivan and Jeanne.
16..You know what a snowbird
is and when they'll leave.
17..You think a six-foot
alligator is actually pretty
average.
18..You were 12 before you
ever saw snow, or you still
haven't.
18..'Down South' means Key
West
20..You think New York
drivers licenses should only
be valid in New York .
21..Flip-flops are everyday
wear.
22..Shoes are for business
meetings and church,
23..but you HAVE worn flip
flops to church before.
24..Sweet tea can be served
at any meal.
25..An alligator once walked
through your neighborhood.
26..You smirk when a game
show's 'Grand Prize' is a
trip or cruise to Florida
27..You measure distance in
minutes .
28..You have a drawer full
of bathing suits, and one
sweatshirt.
29..You get annoyed at the
tourists who feed seagulls.
30..A mountain is any hill
100 feet above sea level.
32. .You think everyone from
a bigger city has a northern
accent.
33..You know the four
seasons really are:
hurricane season, love bug
season, tourist season and
summer
34..It's not soda, cola, or
pop.
it's coke, regardless of
brand or flavor:
'What kinda coke you want?'
35..Anything under 95 is
just warm.
36..You've hosted a
hurricane party.
37..You go to a theme park
for an afternoon, and know
when to get on the best
rides.
( Space Mountain during the
Electric Light Parade!)
38..You understand the
futility of exterminating
cockroaches.
39..You can pronounce
Okeechobee, Kissimmee ,
Ichnatucknee and
Withlacoochee
40..You understand why it's
better to have a friend with
a boat than to own a boat
yourself.
41..Bumper stickers on the
pickup in front of you
include: various fish, NRA,
NASCAR, Go Gators, and a
confederate flag.
42..You were five before you
realized they made houses
without pools.
43..You were 25 when you
first met someone who
couldn't swim.
44..You've worn shorts and
used the A/C on Christmas.
45..You recognize Miami-Dade
as ' Northern Cuba '.
46..You not only forward
this joke to your friends
but you understand it
He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after
being diagnosed with
second-degree burns With his
skin already starting to
blister, and the severe pain
he was in, the doctor
prescribed
continuous intravenous
feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative,
and a Viagra pill every four
hours.
The nurse, who was rather
astounded, asked, 'What good
will Viagra do for him,
Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It
won't do anything for his
condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs..
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE
FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT BY USING THE
SINK.
3. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON
TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL
PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING
OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP
AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.
4. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,
TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS
IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT
TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT
SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE
THE DUCT TAPE.
6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH
A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN
ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE
SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD
FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
The farmer complained that
the bull just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that
he have a veterinarian take
a look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill
returned to see if the vet
had helped.
The farmer looked very
pleased. "The bull has
serviced all of my cows! He
broke through the fence, and
bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just
about everything in
sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill,
"what did the vet do to that
bull?"
"Just gave him some pills,"
replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked
Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they kind
of taste like peppermint."
The doctor told him to drop
his pants and he would have
a look. The midget dropped
his pants. The doctor stood
him up onto the examining
table, and started to
examine him. The doctor put
one finger under his left
testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough,
the usual method to check
for a hernia
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor,
and as he put his finger
under the right testicle, he
asked the midget to cough
again. 'Aha!' said the
doctor once more, and
reached for his surgical
scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the
right side... then
snip-snip-snip-snip on the
left side.
The midget was so scared he
was afraid to look, but
noted with amazement that
the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the
examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt. The
midget was absolutely
delighted as he walked
around and discovered his
boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does
that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect
Doc, and I didn't even feel
it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut
two inches off the top of
your cowboy boots.'
The Old Man went home and
tried with his right and
left hand with no results.
The Old man than called his
wife in to help him. She
tried and tried with the
same results.
The Wife then suggested they
ask the Young/Pretty lady
that lived next door. They
both went next Door and
asked the young girl, who
said she would be happy to
help. She also tried and
tried with the same results.
The next day the 85-year-old
man went back to the
doctor's office and gave him
the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous
day. The doctor asked what
happened and the man
explained: "Well, doc, it's
like this - First I tried
with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but still
nothing.
Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her
right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried
with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up
Arleen, the young lady next
door and she tried too,
first with both hands, but
still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You
asked your neighbor?" to
help you get Sperm.
The old man replied, No we
asked her to help us open
the damn Jar. And no matter
what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open.
"Have you ever noticed
Anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a
moron." - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97
today and we don't know
where the hell she is." -
Ellen DeGeneris
"Don't spend two dollars to
dry clean a shirt. Donate it
to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it
and put it on a hanger. Next
morning buy it back for
seventy-five cents." -
Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to
figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets." - Dave
Edison
"Did you ever notice when
you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you? But when
you take him in a car he
sticks his head out the
window." - Steve Bluestone
"I think men who have a
pierced ear are better
prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and
bought jewelry." - Rita
Rudner
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck
because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that
are driven only 3 times a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot
it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the
time.
7. Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday
held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can
order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and
meats
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot,
drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the
fish.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars
that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the
other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so
he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into
a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come
in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she
would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young
woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing
quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from
that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and
those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and
dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being
cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my
favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety
chocolate ate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with
substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and
I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them:
'Keep your fork the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears
of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the
last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young
woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what
heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much
experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket andsaw the fork
in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with
the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of
the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also
told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people
how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably
would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you,
ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel ,
indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed Cherish the time you
have, and the memories you share ...being friends with someone is not an
opportunity but a sweet responsibility.
"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your
'willy'?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name
of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really
Satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey
bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why
Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be
sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD", because "'Quality is
Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a
wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a
name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is
SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
"Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with
that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their
Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run
For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To
Let One Of You Go."
Its Called ... therapy.
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that
you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from
monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of
the family and your father told you about his.'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got
the train!'
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying
a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was
true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new
bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be
happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired
hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new
wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the
hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
A man's heart beats quicker,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda
across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original
intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is
to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The
accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless
requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also
be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over
tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human
flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*to out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it
for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the
door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously
around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical
joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the
window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow
straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and
laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die' !!
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the
day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to
play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I
devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of
recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain
today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me
all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I
creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true,
right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards
off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make
you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what
had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off
down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And
while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of
the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his
paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that
wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to
fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of
his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat
back in her chair,
folded her arms
across her chest,
fixed the Sister
with a baleful stare
and said... "You
missed the putt, didn't
you?"
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting
aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said
to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and
unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled
out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the
blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a
flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her
wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell
me you've got golf clubs in there too!'
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you
late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and
will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or
misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and
sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her
face!
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in
search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until
finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a
union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls
get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said .
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly
attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to
union rules, she's next."
"Okay, okay! I take it
back. Unscrew you"
"You say I'm a bitch
like it's a bad thing"
"Well this day was a
total waste of make-up"
"Well aren't we a bloody
ray of sunshine?"
"Don't bother me, I'm
living happily ever
after."
"Do I look like a people
person?"
"This isn't an office.
It's hell with
fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with
nothing and still have
most of it left"
"Therapy is expensive.
Popping bubble wrap is
cheap. You choose"
"Why don't you try
practicing random acts
of intelligence and
senseless acts of
self-control?"
"I'm not crazy. I've
been in a very bad mood
for 30 years."
"Sarcasm is just one
more service I offer."
"Do they ever shut up on
your planet?"
"I'm not your type. I'm
not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake
up screaming and you
realize you haven't gone
to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You're
standing in my aura."
"Don't worry. I forgot
your name too."
"I work 45 hours a week
to be this poor."
"Not all men are
annoying. Some are
dead."
"Wait...I'm trying to
imagine you with a
personality"
"Chaos, panic and
disorder ... my work
here is done."
"Ambivalent? Well yes
and no."
"You look like shit. Is
that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go
home."
"Aw, did I step on your
poor little bitty ego?"
"I'm not tense, just
terribly, terribly
alert."
"A hard-on doesn't count
as personal growth."
"You are depriving some
village of an idiot."
"If assholes could fly,
this place would be a
freaking airport."
Her friend glared at
her. For at least three
minutes she just stared
and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to
know?
After a while the
Scotsman says to the
Englishman, "If I was to
sneak over to your house
and shag your wife while
you were off fishing,
and she got pregnant and
had a baby, would that
make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked
his head sideways for a
minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his
eyes thinking real hard
about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well,
I don't know about being
related, but it would
make us even."
The blind man and the
dog finally reach the
safety of the sidewalk
on the other side of the
street, and the blind
man pulls a cookie out
of his coat pocket,
which he offers to the
dog. A passerby, having
observed the near fatal
incident, can't control
his amazement and says
to the blind man, "Why
on earth are you
rewarding your dog with
a cookie? He nearly got
you killed!"
The blind man turns
partially in his
direction and replies,
"To find out where his
head is, so I can kick
his ass."
She went to the front
door of the first house
and asked the
owner if he had any odd
jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could
use somebody to paint my
porch," he said. "How
much will you
charge me?"
The blonde quickly
responded, "How about
$50?"
The man agreed and told
her that the paint and
everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing
the conversation, said
to her husband,
"Does she realize that
our porch goes all the
way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a
bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied,
"You're right. I guess
I'm starting to believe
all those dumb blonde
jokes ."
A short time later, the
blonde handywoman came
to the door
to collect her money.
"You finished already?"
the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde
replied, "and I had
paint leftover, so I
gave it two coats - no
extra charge ."
Impressed, the man
reached into his pocket
for the $50 and
handed it to her.
"And by the way," the
blonde added ... "it's
not a Porch -- it's
a Lexus."
He'd been playing outside
with the other kids for a
while when he came into the
house and asked her, '
Grandma, what 's that called
when two people sleep in the
same room and one is on top
of the other?
She was a little taken
aback, but she decided to
tell him the truth. ' It's
called sexual intercourse,
darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK,
' and went back outside to
play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came
back in and said angrily, '
Grandma, it isn't called
sexual intercourse. It's
called Bunk Beds. And
Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to
you.
After quickly downing his
drink, the man replied "I
got home and found my wife
in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the
bartender, as he poured the
man a second triple, "No
wonder you needed a stiff
drink. The second triple is
on the house."
As the man downed his second
triple scotch, the bartender
asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife"
the man replied, "looked her
straight in the eye and told
her that we were through and
to pack her stuff and to get
the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the
bartender, "but what about
your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked
over to him, looked him
right in the eye and said
'bad dog!'"
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE
ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS
AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE
TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO
WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I
DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO
WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted
restlessly. The cowboy had
another beer, walked
outside, and his horse was
back! He saddled up and
started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out
of the bar and asked, ''Say
partner, before you go. .
.what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and
said, ''I had to walk
home.''
"Have you ever done anything
of particular merit?"
St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one
thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black
Hills of South Dakota, I
came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young
woman.
I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't
listen.
So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in the
face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off, or
I'll kick the shit out of
all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed ..
"When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago."
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more
reading.
The barber asked the Sargent
if he wanted after shave and
he proclaimed loudly 'shit
no, my wife will think I
smell like the inside of a
whore-house!'
The Chief said quietly, go
ahead and hook me up, my
wife doesn't know what the
inside of a whore-house
smells like.'